Entdeckungsreise durch die fantastische Alte Welt

The Tale of the Fauligmere's Heroes (as told by an uncouth elf)

Once upon a time there were three boars, but they were hacked and mutilated in a previous episode, so we will not dwell upon them.

There was also the fire wizard Baldrick Weber, the jade wizard Biyombo Bismarck, the initiate of Sigmar Gottfried Eberhardt and the mercenary Frederick Reidel. … well, and me Vaelentyr Stormbrook the fallen Asuri Swordsman of Hoeth.

In the once fishy village of Fauligmere we met drunken Father Salzig, who has done a rather shabby job of maintaining his temple and the spirits of the people of this troubled village. We chastised him and he buggered us off.

We witnessed a couple of hausfraus get into a shouting match. One was Emma the wife of our innkeeper and the other’s name I forgot. I was more focused on her angry countenance. Their families are in a dispute about a piece of property. It would have been hot, but frankly Emma smells like bog octopus and her body shows the signs of multiple childbirths.

Back at the inn, we heard all of manner of gossiip from locals, while slutty townie girls longed for my elvish dong. We heard that:

  • Baron’s mom was hiding a terrible secret behind her cold eyes (?incest with the Baron?);
  • There is some sort of underground river/tunnel nearby
  • Smugglers bring items that can be had by asking P. the Boatman
  • Other things that I did not write down, because I was ejaculating inside slutty townie girls

We were “fortunate” enough to dine at Von Stauffer’s place where we met his bitchy, elf-hatin’ mom Feodora, his dispassionate and homely wife Wendalena, a hot elf lady named Voluria, and the Baron’s pigeon Von Schnell. Aside from pigeon droppings, we gathered some interesting information.

  • Feodora is devout (to Sigmar and Manann, the randy bitch).
  • The Baron keeps a portrait of his hot first wife Heidrun, who was blonde like the he-witch that we’re hunting. Hmmm. Blond like mom, piercing blue eyes like dad. The two were together about the time the fishing business starting going belly up. According to Baron, his mom disapproved of the peasant girl (?because she was not noble, or because Heidrun was a witch herself?). In any case, there was a prominent chain and ring on display in Heidrun’s portrait.
  • The elf woman is looking for an ancient elf shipwreck and has no interest in all the treasure it carried, just an heirloom pendant. She needs our help and seems honorable, but there is something weird about her and the treasure.
  • The Baron does not believe he knocked up Heidrun.
  • The Baron wants us to go seek the witch and bring him back in chains to stand trial. Or kill him. Although, that was before I shared the uncouth notion that the witch might be his kid.
  • The Baron’s mom fired the old beloved priest of Manann for secretly marrying Baron to Heidrun and had him replaced with the whiskey-dicked Father Salzig.

Back at the inn, Emma and a buzz-cropped pussy with busted limbs told us that Thomas the innkeeper and Carl his son were lost in the swamp, where they were trying to find us some bog octupus … because that’s basically the only entree you can get in this fucking town. Buzz led us into the swamp and put us on Thomas and Carl’s trail. We found Thomas worse for wear and then got jumped by a nasty swamp troll … no, make that three nasty swamp trolls. The terrifying beasts delivered terrible blows to Gottfried and our gunner Fredrick, but those stout warriors stayed in the fight and returned fierce strikes of their own. Our wizards used the powers of flame and of vines to battle the trolls. Biyombo slayed one of the trolls with a magic dart, while we teamed to slay their leader.

We heard Carl whimpering from an indentation where one of the trolls had laid and the Mother of All Bog Octupai snatched one of the swamp trolls and we wisely withdrew. Before we did, I collected the head of the troll as evidence of our victory to help bolster the spirits of the townsfolk. “Your heroes have arrived, and all monsters of Chaos are felled before us.” Now bring back those slutty townie girls.

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